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I turned a corner today. I am leaving Gainesville in the last week of June, 2009.
I will be selling/freecycling my posessions, save a few “tools” which will help me experience my surroundings.
The next year of my life will involve bicycle mechanics, training in yoga instruction, and the sale of my house. Not necessarily in that order, and all as soon as possible.
In the meantime, I am here, now. Let’s have some fun.
simple, geometric
symmetrical, elemental
it is earth, the sun
their orbits
it is tao that you might see as yin and yang
it is the iris of the eye of the beholder
The Hudsucker Proxy?
…never seen it.
a symbol of no culture
a symbol of every culture
the cosmic circle
the karmic circle
the cyclical nature of life,
the universe, and everything
what do you see,
in this shape?
penniless and poor are
two different things
30 you’re just
a number, too but
still my life shatters
on your approach but
by the time you arrive
i’m reassembling
devoid of
kings horses and
kings men
i’m forced to
gather the
pieces myself
but since these
little jagged bits
are already crumbled
i’m finding a
better way to
put them together.
#include stdio.h
#include universe.h
#include compassion.h
#include humor.h
define life() {
create();
contemplate();
learn();
teach();
love();
cry();
live();
}
main() {
while(body) {
life(enthusiastically);
body++;
}
die(0);
}
by Helen Fisher
This book was loaned to me by my therapist. Having read it, I believe there may be something in this book for anyone who has ever been hurt in love. And especially if you’ve been hurt in love by me.
Web of Love: “Lust, Romance, and Attachment”
dopamine, norepinepherine, seratonin!
vassopresin (in men) and oxytocin (in women) produces feelings of attachment, and is produced after sexual orgasm.On Attachment
“Love changes over time. It becomes deeper, calmer. No longer do couples talk all day or dance till dawn. The mad passion, the ecstasy, the longing, the obsessive thinking, the heightened energy: all dissolve. But if you are fortunate, this magic transforms itself into new feelings of security, comfort, calm, and union with your partner.”“I call this complex feeling ‘attachment’.”
“That First Fine Careless Rapture” – Who We Choose
Who Men Choose
“…this study also showed a distinct gender difference in romantic tastes. When it came to sizing up potential romantic partners, men were more likely to choose women who displayed visual signs of youth and beauty.”The Male Brain in Love
“…men tended to show more activity than women in brain regions associated with visual processing, particularly of the face.”“…this brain activity could also help explain why men generally fall in love faster than women. When the time is right and a man sees an attractive woman, he is anatomically equipped to rapidly associate attractive visual features with feelings of romantic passion. What an effective courtship device.”
The Mating Mind
“…these aptitudes, he believes, became more and more complex because the opposite sex liked them and chose to mate with verbal, musical or otherwise talented men and women.”
Why We Love: The evolution of Romantic Love
Evolution of Divorce
Serial monogamy…4 year cycle?!?Capricious Love
“We were built to love and love again. What joy this passion brings when you are single and starting out in life, divorced in middle age, or alone in your senior years. What confusion, what sorrow this chemistry can generate when you are married to someone you admire, then fall in love with someone else.”“Lost Love. Almost everyone on earth knows the agony of rejection. Why do you plummet into despair when you lose somebody you adore?”
Lost Love: Rejection, Despair and Rage
Abandonment Rage
“Even when the parting lover honors his or her responsibilities as a friend (and other co-parent) and leaves the relationship with compassion and honesty, many rejected people swing violently from feelings of heartbreak to utter fury.”“…I have come to think that abandonment rage evolved to serve another purpose: to drive disappointed lovers to extricate themselves from dead-end matches, lick their wounds, and resume their quest for love in greener pastures. Alas, this rage does not necessarily cancel out one’s love, one’s longing, or one’s sexual desire for a departing partner.”
Taking Control of Passion: Making Romance Last
Addicted to Love
“…romantic love is an addictive drug”Love Sickness: Letting Go
“…I think this addiction can be conquered; it just takes determination and time…”“…you must remove all evidence of the addictive substance: the beloved. Throw out cards and letters or stuff them in a box and put it out of reach. Don’t write or call under any circumstances. And depart immediately if you see your former lover in the office or street.”
“Even the briefest contact with ‘him’ or ‘her’ can fire up your brain circuits for romantic ardor. If you wish to recover, you must expunge all traces of the thief who stole your heart.”
Male Intimacy; Female Intimacy
THIS.
John Dewey: “Mind is primarily a verb.”
I am perhaps learning to be my own person again,
and that being the case, I am also trying to work out who that changing person is?
And in a world of possibilities–what might be his next direction?
I feel like I have some changes to make,
and a journey ahead of me,
but simultaneously, I cannot see ten feet
from my spinning forehead.
So for now, I will just stumble within those ten feet,
and let life live me for a while.
I am surfing a wave of depression right now.
But this is not the topic of this post.
Instead the topic is irony,
but the aforementioned detail makes it so.
I sat down today to watch a movie called
“Happiness”.
The first line of the movie is:
“Andy….are you okay?”
Mu-hahaha! The Universe is mine!
Never do I feel more alone than when my body is sick.
I have better friends than I could ever want.
but they keep their physical distance, self-defensively (and appropriately) when I am unhealthy,
when I need care and company the most
this is not unexpected or unreasonable
i would perhaps engage in similar behaviour in most cases.
after all, who wants to get sick when they can avoid it? who can afford to get sick?
My family loves me endlessly.
but we are geographically separated
as debilitating as a head cold can feel, or as frustrating as a drawn-out fever can be
its senseless for them to drive hours to check in, and then drive back with them
the risk of spreading my ailment to their own families
i would not even consider asking
–
a “girlfriend” or “boyfriend”
a life-partner
a soul-mate
the one who is so intertwined
with your life that by the time your ailment rears its ugly head
they have already committed themselves to your care
exposure be damned…their interest in your health weighs heavier
their love strengthens you
helps you resolve and reconstitute
purge the pain
survive
we do this for each other
it is human nature
Never do I feel more alone than when I need your love the most.
Its a great time to be alive? Its always been the only time to be alive, and that alone makes it great.
